Barch Uncut: Volume 5
DELAYED AGGRESSION
By Andy Barch
I apologize for the delay, there are several reasons for my absence over the last couple of weeks. Before Thanksgiving I was laying down on the soundboard in the radio booth after the FCC charged me with an irrefutable fine when suddenly one of my biggest critics threw a cup of kovasier at me causing me to charge into the hallway outside of the booth. I violently grabbed one of my interns not knowing if it was him or not, and little did I know the man trying to hold me back was the coward who threw the kovasier at me to begin with.
I was also waiting for the incredible streak of Mr. Ken Jennings to come to an end on Jeopardy. How come nobody talks about this guy when they mention Favre and Ripken? This guy is like a glorified Einstein. Imagine the Jeopardy groupies waiting for this guy after every show. My guess is that they probably rival those of Ben Franklin’s after the signing of the Declaration of Independence back in the 18th century.
I also have an announcement to make. In honor of Don Nelson allowing Avery Johnson to run the team a week ago, I’m going to allow my good buddy Nick Seuberling to write the rest of this article for me. (Editors Note: Oh dear God no.) Like Nelly said of his decision to allow Avery Johnson to coach, I will make suggestions for Seube, but I will not make the decisions. Right, on we go.
Barry Bonds “unknowingly” took steroids. Really? Are you kidding me? What a shock. I was under the impression that Barry’s inhumane physical condition at an age in which most men settle for the beer guts and love handles that come with fatherhood came naturally to the fan friendly superstar. This is believable isn’t it? I see no reason why we shouldn’t trust Barry Bonds. I believe he “unknowingly” took these steroids like George O’Leary “unknowingly” lied on his resume` to get the job at Notre Dame.
Speaking of Notre Dame, how much does it suck to be an Irish fan right now? As a lifelong Notre Dame basher, and Urban Meyer supporter, nobody was happier to see the hottest commodity in college football head to the sunshine state at the end of last week than me. Despite what we saw on the surface, for Meyer this decision was as easy as choosing the 6’1, 110 lbs. Blonde bombshell over the 250 lbs. Red headed beast. Meyer knew that by going to Florida he could win RIGHT AWAY.
By going to Notre Dame you have to deal with the high academic standards which handcuff you in terms of recruiting and there is no way that he’d win right away. In Florida Ron Zook left one hell of a talent pool and Meyer has the tools to compete for the top spot in the SEC next season. This in addition to Meyer’s early success with Florida recruits. Lets not forget that Meyer landed Bowling Green Quarterback Omar Jacobs a few years ago, who is a Florida native and may be the best College Quarterback that few people outside of Northwest Ohio have heard of.
Finally, I had to make a comment on the Ron Artest situation. I think that we’ve gone Jaworski and overanalyzed this situation from every angle possible. However, one can’t help but wonder what Vincent Kennedy McMahon could have done with situation. Was that or was that not reminiscent to a classic ending of Monday night Raw?
The match ended prematurely and all hell broke loose with several parties involved. Ron Artest against Ben Wallace would of course be the main event. During the course of action, the officials warn Ben Wallace after retaliating and demonstrating illegal tactics. In the process he distracts the officials while the fan throws the beverage on Artest with the officials back turned. Artest’s attention is diverted and he chases after the fan. Out comes Stephen Jackson from the “backstage area” and he delivers a roundhouse right, but out comes another fan to get into the skirmish to hold back Ron Artest and throw some cheap rabbit punches to the side of his face.
When it appears as though order has been restored and we’re ready to get back to action, another fan comes from the “backstage area” and confronts Artest until…here comes Jim Ross…” wait!! Wait!! My God King!! That’s Jermaine O’Neal’s THEME MUSIC!!!!” Jermaine O’Neal comes in and delivers the best punch of the night knocking a Piston fan to the floor. Then the scene ends n.W.o. style with beer, soda and popcorn being thrown at the alleged “bad guys”. The only thing that would have made it even more like RAW is if Bill Walton were screaming and letting out Lawler like scowls, and Mike Breen yelled out “That’s ALL THE TIME WE’VE GOT!! TUNE IN NEXT WEEK WHEN RON ARTEST TAKES ON THE VENDOR THAT SUPPLIED SECTION 103 AT THE PALACE WITH BEER!”
That’s all the time I’ve got, I’ll see you next week when Chuck Bednarik takes on Deion Sanders and Terrell Owens in a handicap match.
(Editors Note: The comments of Andy Barch do not nessecarily reflect those of the Vitamin Z editorial staff, most notably, Zach. That said, keep up the good work AB!)