Royal Rumble, Real Time
For the first time ever (on this site), here is a a review, as it happens, of the Royal Rumble.

-We start with the dramatic oversell of the event.
-Michael Cole, Tazz, Jerry Lawler and Joey Styles host. It's at a show like this where I really miss Jim Ross.

Cruiserweight Tornado match
The particiapants are:
Champion Kid Kash v. Funaki v. Jamie Noble v. Nunzio v. Paul London v. (Geez, how many guys are in this match?) v. Gregory Helms
-You know, everyone in this match can work. I guess the first pin wins. I think Helms is a Raw guy, but I guess it doesn't matter, because there is no continuity in the WWE.

-The way this match is set up, it seems more like a battle royal than a match. The crowd has yet to respond to any of this. Perhaps it's because WWE has given its fans no reason to care about the cruiserweight title.

-The wrestlers are all working hard, but the match itself seems a tad disjointed. And besides, it's nothing that TNA has not done better over the past few years.

-Helms wins the belt with a shining wizard to Funaki. So this creates a dilemma. Oh wait, it's the cruiserwight title. Who cares? **

* Teddie Long chats with Vince backstage. Vince proceeds to hit on a number of young women. Earth to Vince: You are 60, and this is getting sad. Randy Orton and Vince's son-in-law pick numbers. HHH doesn't like his number. Great, so HHH gets to play Iron Man this year.

*Trish chats with Mickie James backstage. Mickie makes another strange pass at Trish.

Women's match
Mickie James vs. Ashley
I have no idea who either of these girls are, or why I should care. This should be bad. Very bad.
Jerry suggests Mickie and Trish go on "Love Connection." I suggest he update his material. What's next? Trish gets a guest spot on "Empty Nest?"

-This match is bad, although James pulls out a perfectplex. Joey Styles is sounding more and more like Cole by the day, and that's not a good thing. Ashley is throwing punches that look about as painful as a bag of gummie bears. This is bad. Bad. Jerry says the fans are turning on Ashley. No, they're turning on the match. Mickie wins with something, but I missed it because I was typing and can't be bothered to rewind. -*

-Good Lord, they're using Peter Gabriel's Big Time to hype Wrestlemania. Peter must be so proud when he opens the royalty check.

* Vince continues to be a sick old man back stage. Big Show draws his number. Rey draws next. Big Show and Rey are buddies, which is funny since Paul spit on Eddy's car two months ago. Ah continuity. Rey talks to Eddy. You know, there's a fine line between tribute and exploitation. They crossed that line a few months ago. And I'm not sure where they're at now.

Singles Match
The Boogey Man v. JBL
This is the first time I have seen the former wrestle. Vivek loves him though. I'd be wrong not to mention a storyline recap by Michael Cole that is so ridiculous I almost want to run for cover for fear I'll actually be made dumber by hearing about it.

-JBL is pretty good these days, but from what I've heard, he'll have his work cut out for him. Boogey Man has worms. This is classic stuff. Boogey Man wins with a pumphandle slam in a squash match. I hope JBL enjoyed his year and a half of prominence. I wonder if he made someone mad backstage, because I certainly thought the match would go to JBL. Ah well. *

* Thea Vidale once had a TV show on ABC. Now she's hitting on Vince McMahon in a fatsuit. Times, they change. Anyway, her "son" Shelton Benjiman draws a number, and is pleased with result. MnM draws numbers. Doesn't matter, neither will do anything. Vince makes a move on Melina, then continues his disgusting behavior.

-We're having the Rumble ... now? That's weird.

*Spirit Squad is out. Imagine seven untalented Will Ferrells doing chants for five minutes, and you get the idea.

Royal Rumble Match
-90 second intervals this year. Lillian called it the "Woyal Rumble."
-HHH draws No. 1. Great, so the bosses son in law gets to stay in for 60 minutes and look like a king. Rey is No.2, driving Eddy's car. I know Rey is sincere, but this stuff just seems uncomfortable.
-Simon Dean is No. 3. I honestly didn't know he was still with WWE. And Dean is out.
-Psycosis is No. 4. And he's out.
-Ric Flair is No. 5. And Flair is out. There seems to be a pattern developing.
- Big Show is No. 6.
-Coach is No. 7. I thought he was No. 30. And Coach is out. The rule seems to be that if your a threat, you'll last. If you're not a top level guy, you're gone less than a minute in. Whoever is laying this out must have done it in 10 minutes.
-Lashley (Looks like a cross between Goldberg and Monty Brown) is No. 8. Another thing here: so far there is only one match going on at a time. Everyone else is laid out.
-Kane is No. 9. Great.
-Sylvan is No. 10. They're really piling up the great workers here. Sylvan is out. Lashley is out following a double-chokeslam from Kane and Show. Cole call's Lashley's debut "great." He entered at eight and was eliminated a little more than three minutes later. Not exactly Ric Flair in 1992. HHH eliminates Show and Kane. Ha. It was like a a camera-ready version of the WWE's pecking order.
-Carlito (My buddy Nick's favorite wrestler) is No. 11. Cole increases his string of greatness by referring to HHH as "one of the dirtiest players in the history of sports entertainment." I wonder what the American Gladiators think of that.
-Chris Benoit is No. 11. Probably the best technical wrestler in this thing.
-Booker T is No. 12, with Sharmell and some WCW-esque tights. Booker is out, probably because he's still hurt. Whoever booked this has a very short attention span.
-Mercury is No. 13. Cole talks about Smackdown setting records on Friday night. That's like buying a used retainer and bragging about the price of it.
-Tatanka is No. 14. Yes, THAT Tatanka. Crowd greets him with the oh-so-supportive Tomahawk Chop.
-Nitro is No. 15. This has got to be the most non-descript rumble in years. Note to Cole: if 30 wrestlers enter at 90-second intervals, that's almost 45 minutes, not 60.
-Trevor Murdoch is No. 16. The crowd responds with silence.
-Eugene is No. 18. The fans don't appear all that thrilled with him.
-Animal is No. 19.
-RVD is No. 20. Lot of guys in right now. Cole says RVD's rumble debut was in 2003 and he lasted over a half hour. Uh, actually, his debut was in 2002 and HHH squashed him after a minute. Animal is gone.
-No 21 is Orlando Jordan.
-Chavo is No. 22. Don't go to the top!! He did. And HHH eliminates Chavo.
-Matt Hardy is No. 23 and gets a nice ovation. Tatanka is out.
-Super Crazy is 24. He'll be out before we get to No. 25.
-Well color me surprised. Crazy is still in and HBK is No. 25. Murdoch is out.
-Chris Masters is 26.
-Viscera is 27. Feel the star power. Matt Hardy is out.
-Shelton is No. 28. That means Orton and one other guy. Eugene is out.
-Goldust is No. 29. So Orton is No. 30.
-And Orton is No. 30. Benoit is out. Cole says we are 50 minutes in. No idea how that could be true. Viscera and Masters are out. Goldust helps himself and gets out. There goes Orlando Jordan.
-MNM are both out thanks to Shawn. Seven left. Shelton is then superkicked out.
-And here comes Vince McMahon. I hope he doesn't blow out his leg again. Shane McMahon (who came from the crowd) eliminates Shawn Michaels, which Cole sells as legit. Come on. The logic gaps here are so obvious it's useless to point them out. Why not just make Shane a surprise entrant and have him do the same thing?
-So now it's RVD, Carlito, Rey, HHH and Orton. Err, there goes Carlito.
-Rey and Rob join forces, only to see RVD (like an idiot) go to the top and then get knocked out by Rey.
-HHH and Randy Orton form an alliance, but sadly, it fairs little better than the WCW/ECW one of four years ago. Lawler then makes what seems like the 90th reference to Eddy Guerrero.
-HHH is eliminated by Rey.
-So now it's Rey and Randy. This actually could go either way, given the positioning of the rumble on the card. HHH beats up Rey afterwards, throwing him into the stairs.
-Orton acts cocky, and Rey flips him out.
Rey Mysterio Jr. wins. *** 1/4

*Rey celebrates with Dean Malenko, Chavo and Chris Benoit. Lots more Eddy references.

Raw title match
Edge v. John Cena
- Yes, Mark Henry is main eventing a WWE show.
-Cena makes an entrance that reminds me of Glacier. Joey Styles says Lita is "capable of anything." Except wrestling.
-Well, Cena won clean. Edge was game for the match, but it wasn't that fun to watch. This doesn't bode well for Adam Copeland's long-term career. A win could have made him a real star. Instead, his title reign looks more like a fluke. * 1/2

* Hacksaw Jim Duggan showed up (in wrestling gear) to mock Lita with his phrase.

Smackdown World Title
Mark Henry v. Kurt Angle
The less said about this, the better. Angle won. *
-After the match, Undertaker returned (I didn't know he was gone).

You know what the worst part is? I missed Grey's Anatomy for this nonsense.

Update:
My final grade for the show was a B-, mainly because I bought the show and reviewed it for the Rumble. Phil Prusa gives it a D.
It's 3:30 a.m. and I'm watching a Rodney Dangerfield special from what looks to be from 1987 or so. The comedians on the show included Jeff Foxworthy, Tim Allen and Thea Vidale. All three were considered funny, and all three landed shows on ABC.
But only one now plays a character in World Wrestling Entertainment.